Traditional Chinese marriage (Chinese: 婚姻; pinyin: hūnyīn) is a ceremony in Chinese societies that includes the union of two people as well as the joining of their families. Sometimes, families arrange these marriages before the couple meets. Marriage and family are closely connected, and both families are involved. In Chinese culture, monogamy was the rule, meaning a man could have one official wife (妻 or 正妻). However, in practice, men were often allowed to have additional wives called concubines (妾). By the end of early society, traditional marriage rituals began to form. During the Fuxi era, betrothal ceremonies used deer skin. Later, during the Xia and Shang dynasties, a "meeting hall" appeared for marriage events. In the Zhou dynasty, a full set of marriage etiquette called the "six rituals" was created. These detailed rituals show how important marriage was to ancient people. In traditional Chinese marriage culture, the "three letters and six rituals," monogamy, remarriage, and divorce also had unique practices.

Etymology

The two-character word 婚姻 (hūnyīn; "marriage") can be broken down into two parts: 婚 (hūn) and 姻 (yīn).

• The character 婚 (hūn) was originally defined in Erya, an ancient Chinese dictionary, as the father of a man's wife (such as a father-in-law). Today, it generally means "marriage" in Modern Standard Chinese. The character includes the phonetic part 昏 (hūn; "dusk, nightfall") and the symbol 女 (nǚ; "female"). The phonetic component 昏 was also the ancient form of 婚 in Old Chinese. This suggests that wedding ceremonies were often held in the evening, a time when yang (representing daytime and males) and yin (representing nighttime and females) overlap.

• The character 姻 (yīn) was defined in Erya as the father of a daughter's husband. In modern Chinese, it means "marriage" or "relation by marriage." The character shares the same pronunciation as its phonetic component 因 (yīn). According to Shuowen Jiezi, an ancient dictionary, 因 in this character not only provides the sound but also means "to go to" or "to follow" one's husband.

Marriage in a Confucian context

In Confucian thought, marriage is very important for families, society, and the development of good character. Traditionally, marriage between people who share the same family name was considered incest.

From a Confucian family perspective, marriage connects families with different surnames and continues the family line of the father’s side. This is why having a boy was often preferred over a girl. The advantages and disadvantages of any marriage affect the whole family, not just the couple involved. Socially, married couples are seen as the basic building blocks of society. In Chinese history, marriages often influenced a country’s political stability and relationships with other nations.

For international relations, marriage alliances were used throughout Chinese history to build and maintain family connections in private life and to support political careers. For example, during the Han dynasty, marriage alliances—called ho-ch'in (harmonious kinship)—were part of formal peace agreements between the Han empire and the powerful Xiongnu tribe. The Xiongnu rulers often requested women from the imperial family to marry into their group.

In many periods of Chinese history, the families of a ruler’s wife or mother played a major role in politics. During the Qing dynasty, although there were no clear rules against marriage between different ethnic groups within the Eight Banners, elite families in the ruling class mostly chose Manchu women as their main wives. Other partners, such as concubines, could be Han Chinese. Since most high officials in the Qing dynasty were Manchu, choosing a wife was very important for protecting family interests. This was especially true if the woman was born into the Eight Banners system. For example, the ethnic backgrounds of women in elite Manchu families can often be seen in their maiden names listed in family records, such as those from the imperial lineage.

Role of women in marriages

In ancient China, a bride often left her family to join her husband's household, where she became a daughter-in-law and followed the rules set by her husband's mother. Her role included observing the addition of other wives or partners, especially if she did not have a son. A husband could end his marriage for many reasons, and if he died, a wife might struggle to remarry. This situation showed that women lacked financial independence, as their work focused on home tasks that did not earn income. Farm women were often unable to read or write and had little to no rights to own property.

Ancient Chinese beliefs saw the world as shaped by two opposite forces: yin and yang. Yin was linked to qualities like darkness, weakness, and passivity, often associated with women. Yang was linked to brightness, strength, and activity, often connected to men. While both were seen as necessary, one was considered less active than the other. Based on these ideas, male thinkers in China created rules that expected women to be obedient and passive.

These rules made girls less important than boys from a young age and kept wives under their husbands' control and mothers under their sons' control. Family roles were clearly described in the "three bonds" from Confucian teachings. These included loyalty from subjects to rulers, respect from sons to fathers, and faithfulness from wives, but not from husbands. Although the theory did not focus on the relationship between mothers and sons, it was important in practice.

When a father noticed his son showing signs of independence, he worried about challenges to family unity. Close relationships between a son and his mother or wife could threaten the respect and loyalty expected between parents and children. Women were seen as both important for continuing the family line through children and as potential threats to the strict rules that kept family structure stable.

Ancient Chinese marriages

In ancient China, both men and women married at a young age. Women often married soon after reaching adulthood, while men married a little later, usually around fifteen and twenty years old, respectively.

A story about the marriage of siblings Nüwa and Fu Xi explains how they created proper marriage customs. At the time, the world had few people, and the siblings wanted to marry but felt ashamed. They climbed the Kunlun Mountains and prayed to the heavens, asking for permission. They said, "If you allow us to marry, please surround us with mist." The heavens agreed, and mist covered the mountain. To hide her shyness, Nüwa used a fan to cover her face. Today, some villages in China still follow this tradition, and brides use fans to shield their faces during weddings.

In ancient China, people from different social classes rarely married outside their class. Upper-class families, like the Shi, married within their own class. Commoners also married within their class, avoiding unions with slaves or lower-status individuals. This practice was legally required.

In some marriages, the husband moved into the wife’s family home after the wedding. This tradition marked the shift from marriages where both families shared power (antithetic marriage) to marriages where the husband had more authority (monogamy). This change showed the decline of women leading families and the rise of men taking control.

Marriages in ancient China followed strict steps. One important step was the exchange of gifts. The groom’s family gave betrothal gifts to the bride’s family, and the bride’s family responded with a dowry. Sometimes, the bride’s family used the betrothal money for other needs, which was considered dishonorable because it seemed like the bride was being sold. A marriage without gifts or a dowry was also seen as dishonorable, as the bride would be treated like a concubine instead of a wife. After the gifts were exchanged, the bride moved to the groom’s family home. There, she was expected to obey her husband and live with his relatives. Even after her husband’s death, women remained part of his family. If her birth family wanted her to remarry, they often had to pay the husband’s family to take her back. If she had children, she stayed with the husband’s family.

During the Ming period, marriage was a serious event governed by laws in The Ming Code. The rules required that a matchmaker, called mei po, arranged marriages between families. Matchmakers played a key role in uniting powerful families, especially when both families were wealthy. In some regions, like Jiaxing in Zhejiang, marriage was a way for families to grow stronger. Matchmakers were often elderly women, as the term mei po (literally "match granny") suggests. In ancient China, marriage was linked to the "Yin" side (associated with women), and people believed men should not interfere with Yin matters. This belief meant men rarely arranged marriages, and unmarried women were not trusted to do so. As a result, most matchmakers in stories were elderly women.

To be successful, matchmakers needed strong persuasion skills. They had to convince both families that a marriage was perfect, even if it had flaws. For example, in a story by Feng Menglong, two matchmakers helped an eighty-year-old man marry an eighteen-year-old girl. Despite the age difference, the matchmakers persuaded the girl’s father to agree. They focused on harmony and avoided mentioning the couple’s differences. Matchmakers also needed social skills, knowledge of local people, and the ability to write marriage contracts. Contracts included details like the bride’s price, the couple’s ages, and the person overseeing the wedding, usually the parents or grandparents.

Matchmakers earned money not only from arranging marriages but also from delivering messages between families. When they visited homes, hosts often gave them food or drinks. However, the money from successful marriages was much greater. Payments for matchmakers were measured in "wen" (small coins) for small tasks and "liang" (larger units) for full marriages. Matchmakers also earned money by introducing young women to wealthy men. In one story, matchmakers brought young girls to wealthy families, and even if the customers were not satisfied, they still paid the matchmakers.

Matchmakers also knew secrets about families. In the story The Golden Lotus, a matchmaker named Wang guessed that a man named Ximen Qing was interested in a woman, showing how much matchmakers knew about people’s lives.

Traditional marriage rituals

Chinese marriage customs began around 402 to 221 BC. Even though China has a long history and many different regions, there are six main rituals in traditional weddings, often called the "three letters and six etiquettes" (三書六禮). In some traditional families, the wife's mother cannot visit her son-in-law's family until one year after the wedding, as counted by the Chinese lunar calendar. However, the daughter can visit her family anytime during this year.

The wedding ceremony had six main steps:
1. Proposal (nacai): When a boy’s parents wanted to find a wife for their son, they used a matchmaker to help avoid conflicts and embarrassment between the families. Marriages were often arranged based on the needs of the family and the importance of having children.
2. Birthdates (wenming): If the girl and her parents agreed to the proposal, the matchmaker compared the girl’s and boy’s birthdates (using a method called suan ming to predict their future). If the match was good, the next step was to set the bride price.
3. Bride Price (naji): The bride’s family received a gift, including a letter, from the groom’s family to show their intention to marry.
4. Wedding Gifts (nazheng): The groom’s family sent food, cakes, and religious items to the bride’s family as part of the ceremony.
5. Choosing the Wedding Date (qingqi): Before the wedding, the families used a traditional method called tung shing to pick a lucky date for the ceremony. If no lucky dates were available, they would choose the best possible date.
6. Fetching the Bride (qinying): The final step was the actual wedding, where the bride and groom became a married couple.

The wedding ceremony included many traditions:
– Wedding Procession: Before the ceremony, the bride tied her hair with colorful threads and wore a red skirt, symbolizing happiness. She cried with her mother to show her sadness about leaving home. Her older brother helped her into a sedan chair. The procession included music, the bride’s sedan, and items like scissors (symbolizing unity), rulers (symbolizing land), and vases (symbolizing peace).
– Welcoming the Bride: At the groom’s home, the groom had to complete challenges, such as solving riddles or overcoming obstacles, before meeting his bride.
– Wedding Ceremony: When the sedan arrived, there was music and fireworks. The bride walked on a red carpet, and the groom bowed to heaven, parents, and spouse. The couple honored ancestors, family deities, and each other. They then went to their bridal chamber, followed by a feast.

Wedding Banquet (xǐ-jǐu): The banquet, called xǐ-jǐu ("joyful wine"), was very important. The bride served wine or tea to guests, parents, and her spouse. Traditionally, the bride wore red, and the groom did not pay for the banquet or invitations. The banquet included many dishes, such as shark fin, abalone, and lobster, symbolizing fertility and wealth. The bride’s father usually hosted the main banquet on the bride’s side, while the groom’s family hosted a smaller banquet. These events were a way to thank family and ensure relatives met each other.

On the third day of the wedding, the couple visited the bride’s parents’ home for a smaller dinner party. In some areas, relatives would tease the new couple to help them become more comfortable with each other.

Modern practices

Since the late 1990s, it has become common to create detailed wedding albums, often made at a photography studio. These albums usually include many photos of the bride and groom wearing different outfits at various places. In Singapore, the outfits often reflect different cultures, such as Arab and Japanese styles. Unlike Western wedding photos, Chinese wedding albums typically do not show pictures of the actual ceremony or wedding day.

In Mandarin Chinese, a "mang nian," or "blind year," is a year without a first day of spring, such as 2010, the Year of the Tiger. This time is considered unlucky for getting married or starting a business. The year before 2010 had two first days of spring.

In recent years, some Chinese couples have chosen to follow Confucian wedding traditions. These ceremonies are modern practices with no historical background. During the event, the bride and groom bow to a large portrait of Confucius in the banquet hall. Both the couple and wedding attendants wear traditional Chinese clothing.

Before entering the nuptial chambers, the bride and groom exchange ceremonial cups and perform four bows in this order:
1. First bow – to Heaven and Earth
2. Second bow – to ancestors
3. Third bow – to parents
4. Fourth bow – to spouse

Traditional divorce process

In traditional Chinese society, there were three main ways to end a marriage.

The first was called no-fault divorce. According to the Tang Code, the legal rules of the Tang dynasty (618–907), a marriage could be ended if the couple could not live together happily. In this case, the husband had to write a divorce note.

The second method was called yijue (義絕), which meant the government forced the marriage to end. This happened if one spouse committed a serious crime against the other or their family. If the couple did not choose to divorce when this situation occurred, the government would step in to separate them. If one person refused to divorce, the law required an investigation, and the person who refused could be sentenced to one year in prison. Once a divorce was decided, the couple could not get back together.

The third method was mutual divorce (helü 和離), which allowed both the husband and wife to agree on ending the marriage. This method gave both partners equal power to protect their rights and property. It also showed that divorce was a shared responsibility, and the government usually did not interfere.

Finally, the husband could end the marriage alone. For this to be legal, it had to be based on one of seven reasons:
– The wife did not respect her in-laws.
– She did not have a child.
– She acted in a shameful or immoral way.
– She was jealous, including refusing to allow her husband to take another wife or concubine.
– She had a serious illness.
– She talked too much or spread rumors.
– She stole.

There were three exceptions where a unilateral divorce was not allowed, even if one of the seven reasons applied:
– The wife had no family to return to.
– She had spent three years mourning a parent-in-law.
– The husband was poor when they married but became rich later.

These laws about unilateral divorce were used during the Tang dynasty and remained in effect until they were abolished in the Republic of China’s Civil Code (Part IV) Section 5 in 1930.

Divorce in contemporary China

After the creation of the People's Republic of China in 1949, the new Marriage Law allowed legal divorces. Women were given the right to leave their marriages, and many did so. This caused resistance, especially among men in rural areas. Kay Ann Johnson reported that tens of thousands of women in north central China were killed or committed suicide when they tried to divorce or were prevented from doing so.

Divorce was uncommon during the time when Mao Zedong led China (1949–1976). However, after major changes in the late 20th century, divorce became easier and more common. A report from the USC U.S.-China Institute stated that in 2006, the divorce rate was about 1.4 per 1,000 people. This was twice the rate in 1990 and more than three times the rate in 1982. Still, China’s divorce rate remains less than half of that in the United States. A major change in marriage laws came in 2001, when the Marriage Law was updated. These changes shortened the process for applying for a divorce and added reasons for divorce, such as the importance of being faithful in a marriage. This followed growing problems in marriages caused by unfaithfulness. As divorce rates increased, public discussions and government officials often pointed out that many couples did not try hard enough to fix their relationships. For example, some provinces created "divorce buffer zones" in marriage registration offices. These are rooms where couples wait for about 30 days during the divorce process and are encouraged to talk and consider saving their marriage. However, these efforts have not reduced the divorce rate in China.

Changes were also made to Article 32 of the 2001 Marriage Law. People in a marriage can apply for a divorce if they show one of the following reasons:

• One person is married to someone else or lives with another person while already married;
• One person uses violence, mistreats, or abandons a family member;
• One person has bad habits, such as gambling or drug use, that continue even after being warned repeatedly;
• The couple has been separated for two full years because they are not compatible;
• Other situations that cause a loss of love and affection between the couple.

Monogamy

In ancient China, women had a lower social status than men. A woman was expected to obey her husband and shared his social class, whether he was a farmer, merchant, or official. The clothes she wore and the manners she followed depended on her husband’s background and achievements. If her husband died, a woman could remarry, but this was considered improper. Neo-Confucian beliefs strongly opposed widow remarriage, as shown in a famous saying by Zhu Xi: “It is easier to starve than to lose one’s virtue.” The government also supported this view by honoring women who refused to remarry. For example, in 1304, the Yuan government declared that women who remained chaste widows from age 30 to 50 would be honored with memorial arches. This practice continued during the Ming and Qing dynasties.

Instructions for women, like the Nu Lun Yu (Analects for Women), praised the virtue of remaining chaste after a husband’s death. Men, however, could have one wife and multiple concubines, or remarry if their wife died. High-ranking officials also had one wife and many concubines.

Sororate marriage was a practice where a man married his wife’s sister, cousins, or other relatives from the same clan. This could happen when he first married, while his wife was still alive, or after her death. This custom was common among the nobility during the Zhou dynasty (1045–256 BC).

Some emperors had multiple empresses due to special circumstances. For example, if a man believed his wife had died during wartime and remarried, but later found her alive, both wives might be recognized. In the Qing dynasty, the Qianlong Emperor allowed polygamy to help another family branch produce heirs. This practice, called “multiple inheritance,” occurred when a man was the only son of his father and his uncle had no sons. With mutual agreement, the man could marry another wife, and their son would become the uncle’s heir.

The desire for male heirs to continue the family name led to such arrangements. However, the emperor had banned non-paternal inheritance, creating a problem for couples without sons. Multiple inheritance marriages helped solve this when the husband’s brother had a son.

In cases where a wealthy family had no male heirs and a poorer family had multiple sons, the poorer family’s son might marry into the wealthy family to continue their line. This practice, called ruzhu (literally, “the [man] becoming superfluous”), meant the children would take the wife’s surname.

Concubinage was common in ancient China. Wealthy men often had concubines in addition to their wives. The principal wife (diqi) ranked second only to her husband, while concubines were considered inferior. Concubines were not married in formal ceremonies, had fewer rights, and could be dismissed without reason. They often came from lower social classes or were purchased as servants.

Women who ran away from home might become concubines, as formal weddings required parental approval. The number of concubines a man could have depended on his social rank. Chinese emperors, for example, often had dozens or even hundreds of concubines.

Polyandry, the practice of a woman having multiple husbands, was not uncommon in traditional China, especially among the wealthy. It was legal in Hong Kong until 1971. A Ming dynasty record described a village in Zhejiang where brothers shared the same wife, as it provided financial security. A handkerchief outside their bedroom door indicated which husband’s turn it was to spend the night with her.

In some regions, like Yunan, the Pumi people traditionally married outside their clan, and marriage between cousins was forbidden. Today, Pumi society includes diverse marriage practices, including intermarriage with other ethnic groups. Some Pumi communities near the Mosuo people adopted their “walking marriage” custom, where husbands visited their wives’ homes at night but lived with their mothers during the day.

In Tibet, polyandry was used to prevent family resources from being divided among male heirs. This practice helped families maintain enough laborers to work their land, control population growth, or reduce taxes. Researchers suggest that polyandry provided economic benefits by allowing families to manage agriculture, herding, and trade effectively. However, polyandrous marriages often ended due to personal conflicts, such as unhappiness, lower reproductive success, or new economic opportunities.

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• Traditional Chinese wedding clothing often features red, symbolizing happiness and good fortune, and may include specific styles such as the qipao or hanfu.
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