The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a book written by John Gottman in 1999. It explains seven rules that can help couples improve their marriage and describes four warning signs, called the "Four Horsemen," that often signal the end of a marriage. The book is based on research Gottman conducted in his Family Research Lab, also known as the "Love Lab," where he studied more than 650 couples for 14 years.

Overview

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman explains that a happy marriage depends on a strong friendship between partners. This friendship is built on mutual respect and a positive attitude. He also highlights the importance of understanding and managing feelings in relationships.

Throughout the book, Gottman describes seven principles that couples can use to strengthen their friendship and improve their marriage. These principles help couples stay together during difficult times. The seven principles are: 1) learning about each other’s interests and preferences (called "love maps"), 2) showing care and admiration for each other, 3) choosing to support each other instead of avoiding problems, 4) allowing each other to influence decisions, 5) solving problems that can be fixed, 6) working through challenges that seem stuck, and 7) creating a shared purpose or meaning in life.

Gottman also discusses four harmful behaviors, called the "Four Horsemen," that can harm a marriage. These behaviors are: 1) criticizing a partner’s personality or character instead of making a simple complaint, 2) defending oneself by blaming the other person, 3) showing disrespect or looking down on a partner (called contempt), and 4) refusing to communicate by staying silent (called stonewalling). Gottman warns that contempt is the most serious of these behaviors because it strongly predicts divorce. He explains that contempt happens when one partner believes they are better than the other. Criticism involves attacking a partner’s character, while defensiveness involves avoiding blame by shifting responsibility. Stonewalling occurs when a partner avoids interaction to stop a conflict, such as by refusing to talk.

• Share Love Maps: This means learning and remembering details about your partner, such as their likes and dislikes.
• Nurture Fondness & Admiration: This involves showing care for your partner and focusing on their positive qualities. It begins with friendship.
• Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away: This means spending time together and listening to your partner, even when it is inconvenient.
• Let Your Partner Influence You: This involves sharing decisions and respecting each other’s choices.
• Solve Solvable Problems: This means identifying problems that can be fixed and using skills like calm communication, accepting differences, and compromise to resolve them.
• Overcome Gridlock: This means recognizing obstacles in life and taking steps to address them, even if the problems cannot be completely fixed.
• Create Shared Meaning: This means building a life that has shared purpose and meaning. Marriage is not only about daily tasks or raising children but also about creating a meaningful connection, such as shared traditions, values, and goals.

Reception

The book was published and received good reviews. It became a New York Times bestseller and was used in the U.S. Army's program to help soldiers. It has appeared on many lists of top relationship books from different publications. A study from 2001 said the book agrees with ideas from feminism and research that shows shared power is important for a successful marriage.

Criticism

Psychologist Milton Spett pointed out that John Gottman did not follow standard research methods when making claims about the success of his marital therapy. He said, "Gottman makes these claims without using common research techniques: no control group, no random assignment to treatments, and no blind assessment of results." Therapist Robert F. Scuka disagreed with Gottman's criticism of active listening based on the Munich Marital Therapy Study. He stated, "Gottman only mentions some of the findings from the study."