The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a nonfiction book written in 1992 by Gary Chapman, a Baptist pastor. The book describes five general ways that romantic partners show and feel love, which Chapman refers to as "love languages." Scientific studies do not strongly support the main ideas presented in the book.

Summary

According to Chapman, the five "love languages" are:

• Words of affirmation – Showing love through words that express appreciation, give compliments, and offer support.
• Quality time – Showing love by giving full attention, having meaningful conversations, and spending time doing activities together.
• Gifts – Showing love by giving thoughtful and meaningful items that show care and affection.
• Acts of service – Showing love by helping with tasks that make the partner’s life easier.
• Physical touch – Showing love through actions like hugging, kissing, and holding hands.

Chapman shares examples from his counseling work and includes questions to help people understand their own and their partner’s main and secondary love languages. According to his theory, each person has one main love language and one secondary love language.

To find someone else’s love language, Chapman suggests looking at how they show love to others, noting what they often complain about, and observing what they ask for most from their partner. He believes people usually give love in the way they prefer to receive it. Better communication between partners can happen when one person shows care in the way that matches their partner’s preferred love language.

For example: If a husband’s main love language is acts of service, he might feel confused if he does the laundry and his wife does not see it as a sign of love, because her main love language is words of affirmation (hearing him say he loves her). She might try to show love by using words of affirmation, but he might not value that as much. If she learns his love language and mows the lawn for him, he sees it as an act of love. Similarly, if he tells her he loves her, she sees that as a meaningful way of showing love.

Reception

The book sold 8,500 copies in its first year, four times more than the publisher expected. The next year, it sold 17,000 copies, and two years after that, it sold 137,000 copies. As of 2013, the book had been on the New York Times Best Seller list for 297 weeks.

Scientific studies about whether love languages are valid have shown mixed or unclear results. Much of the research suggests that the idea of a "primary" love language may not be correct. Psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman has questioned whether it is helpful to focus only on one way to show or receive love. A 2006 study by Nicole Egbert and Denise Polk found that the five love languages might have some level of validity in psychological testing.

A 2017 study in the journal Personal Relationships involving 67 heterosexual couples found some evidence but not strong proof that couples with similar love languages had higher relationship satisfaction. A 2023 review by relationship scientists strongly indicated that the love languages theory lacks strong evidence. Research does not confirm that people reliably have a single preferred love language, nor that couples who share the same love language consistently have better relationship quality.

Evidence does not strongly support the main ideas of the love languages theory. Long-lasting relationships depend on a variety of ways people show love, not just one preferred way.

Related works

Since 1992, Chapman has written several books about The Five Love Languages, changing its ideas to fit different situations:

• The Five Love Languages of Children (1997) – Helps parents understand how to show love to their children.
• The Five Love Languages for Singles (2004) – Helps people who are not in romantic relationships understand how to show love.
• The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace (2011) – Written with Dr. Paul White. This book shows how the love languages ideas can be used in jobs to improve how people work together and feel about their jobs.
• The Five Love Languages Military Edition (2013) – Written with Jocelyn Green. This book explains how the ideas can help military families improve their relationships.