Courtship practices in the United States changed over time as the country developed. As people moved from rural areas to cities and the nation grew across the continent, new groups of people arrived, and improvements in transportation, communication, education, industry, and the economy shaped the culture. These changes influenced how young people met, talked, and married.

Courtship is the process of people meeting and forming marriages. Marriage and creating families were very important for the success of the early colonies. Each colony followed the traditions of the people who started it, showing the cultural and religious beliefs of those groups. Parents usually played a big role in their children's courtship, and the community also had some influence. Over time, the idea of romantic love became more important than it was before in deciding who people married.

When dating became common in the late 1800s and early 1900s, families had less control over how people courted. In the 1930s and 1940s, competitive dating changed quickly into the practice of dating one person at a time in the 1950s. The big changes in society during the 1960s ended most old courtship traditions, but no new rules or customs took their place. By the 21st century, even though people still meet, pair up, and sometimes marry, there are no widely accepted social rules to follow.

Colonial times

In the early years of the American colonies, parents had a major role in choosing their children's marriage partners. This was a very important decision because it affected both the individuals and the community in terms of money and social standing. Wealth, social position, and love were seen as the main reasons for marriage, with wealth and social position being the most important. Romantic love was not considered a good reason for marriage at that time. In the 17th century, laws in most colonies required parents to give their permission for a marriage. In some places, like New Haven and Plymouth Colony, a young man had to get the father's approval even to ask a woman to be his girlfriend. These laws were not followed as much by the 18th century because it became common for young people to choose their own partners.

Young people often met during daily activities, such as going to church or doing chores together. Times when they could be alone, like picking berries or working in distant fields, were welcomed by couples. Even though families and communities watched closely, many couples had sex before marriage, and many brides were pregnant on their wedding day. By the late 18th century, about one-third of brides in New England were pregnant before their weddings.

Marriage customs in the early colonies changed based on the religious and cultural rules of each area. In the Chesapeake Colonies, families often arranged marriages. In Delaware Colony, Quakers did not allow marriages between non-Quakers or between cousins, and the whole community had to agree to any marriage. In New York and Pennsylvania, Moravians had church elders pair couples, but the people involved could refuse the match.

In the Puritan colonies of New England, both parents and children had to agree to a marriage. Laws and traditions controlled courtship. Marriage was seen as a legal agreement, not a religious ceremony. A man would visit a woman's parents, often with a small gift, to ask for their permission. If the parents agreed, the couple could spend time together to see if they were a good match. One tradition from Europe was "bundling," where couples slept together in a bed with a board between them.

When a couple decided to marry, announcements about their engagement were made publicly, and they were considered engaged. Breaking an engagement harmed both people's reputations, but the woman's reputation was often affected more. In Quaker communities, a man and woman would announce their plan to marry at a meeting. Committees would check the man and woman's backgrounds. Because they had to announce their plans twice, their engagement lasted at least two months.

In the early colony of Georgia, there were more men than women, so courtships were often short, and men married young girls. Parents usually needed to agree before a marriage was planned, but some people from the Rhineland had a tradition that people of a certain age could marry without their parents' permission. Later in the 18th century, as more settlers arrived in Georgia, courtships lasted longer, and fewer girls under 16 married.

As the colonies grew, wealthy families sometimes sent unmarried daughters to cities like Savannah, Williamsburg, and Charleston to meet potential partners. This was common in the South, where families on plantations were isolated. These trips included events like teas, balls, and dinners. Among the rich, parents had a lot of control over courtship, and strict rules were followed. Young women felt pressure to marry before age 20, or they were called "old maids."

Many 18th-century immigrants were indentured servants, who could not marry while working. A man could buy his future wife's freedom to marry her, though some men promised to do so to seduce women.

Around the time of the American Revolution, respected people like Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Paine, and John Witherspoon wrote about marriage and relationships. Witherspoon believed men were mostly responsible for bad marriages because they chose partners, while women could only agree or refuse. Franklin and Paine criticized marrying for money instead of love. Benjamin Rush and Enos Hitchcock encouraged better education for women to help them manage households. Magazines and newspapers often wrote about marriage and made fun of single men and women.

After the American Revolution, young people had more freedom in their social lives, with less control from families. Many young people lived far from their families, either because they were orphaned, moved away, or immigrated alone. This led to fewer restrictions on their activities. The idea that love should be the main reason for marriage became more popular. Courtships could last years while young men worked to become financially stable.

By 1800, young people usually chose their own partners. Marriage was seen as a connection between two people based on emotional closeness, so only the couple could decide if they were a good match. Parents still sometimes gave permission, but it was more of a tradition than a rule.

19th century

In the 19th century, the word "courting" described the way unmarried men and women spent time together. When this socializing included the goal of marriage, it was called "courtship." People met through family, friends, church, and school. Courting often started during the teenage years and included group activities like picnics, horseback riding, parties, and dances.

By the middle of the 19th century, the idea of romantic love became very important in middle-class America, even more than religion. Because marriage was expected to bring happiness and was not allowed to end in divorce, courtship was a serious process to find the right partner. People often faced challenges, such as doubts or emotional problems, to test their relationship. These situations were meant to strengthen trust and show devotion. One man described this practice as a way to prove love.

In Victorian America, people followed strict social rules in public but had more freedom in private life. Writing love letters was a common part of courtship, especially for upper- and middle-class people, even if couples lived apart. Books, magazines, and guides gave advice on writing letters and encouraged people to be sincere. Love letters were seen as a personal and meaningful way to connect with someone. This practice became less common by the end of the 19th century.

Courting couples were expected to avoid sexual activity before marriage, but they engaged in other forms of physical closeness. Chaperones, who supervised interactions, were not common, and couples often had privacy. Group activities like picnics and parties were also part of courtship. In wealthier families, chaperones were more likely to be present.

Between 1820 and 1860, the population in cities grew by 797%, and many new city residents had no family or social connections to meet partners. Women used personal ads in newspapers to find marriage partners and express a desire for independence and equality in relationships. A study from 1890 found that many women wanted to control their own lives, though the researcher who studied them was shocked by their responses.

After the Civil War, there were far more women than men in western areas of the United States because many men had died in the war. In the east, there were more men than women. To address this imbalance, western states passed laws to attract women, such as protecting women’s property rights and allowing them to vote. These changes encouraged women to respond to marriage advertisements and recruitment efforts.

During the Civil War, soldiers and sailors used personal ads to find people to write to. For women to reply was seen as a patriotic act. Many soldiers and their correspondents formed romantic relationships.

In the late 19th century, a young man could be invited by a woman’s family to visit her, a practice common in middle-class society. This visit, called a "call," was supervised by the family and followed strict rules about timing, refreshments, conversation, and how the visit ended. These rules showed a person’s manners and social status.

In urban working-class communities, young women who worked and lived independently often engaged in a practice called "treating." This involved offering companionship and intimacy in exchange for gifts, outings, or money. This led to the slang term "date." Some reformers called these women "charity girls" and believed they needed help, but the women themselves did not want to be rescued. In places like the Bowery, this type of exchange became part of how young people formed relationships.

1900 to 1960

At the start of the 20th century, the way people lived changed, especially for young men and women. More people began working outside the home, and more women started going to college. Social events became easier to attend, and people had more chances to meet others. For example, a book called Etiquette by Emily Post had a chapter titled "The Chaperon and Other Conventions" in 1922. By 1927, the title changed to "The Vanishing Chaperon and Other New Conventions," and by 1937, it was "The Vanished Chaperon and Other Lost Conventions." This shows how the idea of chaperons, who watched over young people during social events, became less important over time.

In the past, young women were often asked to visit by a man, and their families decided when this happened. Later, a new custom called "dating" began. In dating, men usually paid for the activities, like going to a movie or dancing. This change meant men had more control in courtship, while women had more control in the older system of calling. Dating moved courtship from private homes to public places like restaurants and theaters. Because men paid for entertainment, dating sometimes felt like a business deal.

After World War I, older rules about behavior were quickly forgotten. By the 1920s, dating and petting (like holding hands or kissing) became common ways to show interest in someone. Couples used to pair off, but new rules about how to date became popular. These rules helped shape how people acted during courtship. A study by the Kinsey Report found that people who grew up in the 1910s and 1920s had more premarital sexual activity than earlier generations. Around the same time, schools started teaching lessons about sex, which helped people learn more about relationships.

As more people moved to cities, they had more options for meeting others. Couples went to movies, dance halls, and restaurants. Dancing became a popular activity, especially in high school and college. Colleges often held dances organized by groups like fraternities. At these dances, young men would sometimes "cut in" to dance with another man’s partner. This behavior was seen as a way to show someone was popular.

Cars became important for dating because they gave couples privacy. People would "park" at special places to be alone together. In the 1920s, many college women said they had participated in "petting parties," where couples could experiment with affection in a semi-public setting.

Even though dating became common, it also created competition. In the 1940s, a scientist named Margaret Mead said dating was more about showing who was popular than about finding a partner to marry. During the 1930s, students often dated many people, which was called "playing the field." Sociologists called this behavior "competitive" because people compared their popularity based on who they dated. A man named Willard Waller studied this and described it as a "rating and dating complex," where people were judged by things like money, clothes, or who they dated. However, some later scientists questioned how widespread this behavior was.

Magazines and books about manners encouraged young people to follow these rules. For example, they told college women how to seem popular and advised men to date many women. This idea spread to high schools, where girls were often judged by how often they were "cut in" during dances.

From the 1930s to the 1950s, society placed more importance on following strict rules about how men and women should act. Young people were told to stick to traditional ideas about being masculine or feminine. For example, men were expected to pay for dates and make all the decisions, while women were told not to show independence or intelligence. These rules made some people feel anxious or upset because they felt they had to live up to strict expectations.

The Great Depression made it harder for people to afford dating or get married. In 1932, fewer people married compared to earlier years. Men were less likely to think they could support a family. After the war ended, many women worried they would not find husbands because there were fewer men available.

By the 1940s, people began to move away from dating many partners and instead focused on being in committed relationships. This was called "going steady," and it became more common after World War II. Going steady meant being in a serious relationship, even if the couple did not plan to marry right away. This idea became popular in teen books and was seen as important for high school students. Sociologists describe this as a type of "serial monogamy," where people had one serious relationship at a time.

1960 to present

The 1960s brought major changes to American society because of youth-led movements. These included protests against the Vietnam War, the civil rights movement, the women's liberation movement, and the gay liberation movement. Dating traditions from the 1950s became less common, and strict rules about gender roles softened. Young people still dated, but their reasons were more about personal happiness and closeness than about gaining social status or preparing for marriage.

The sexual revolution of the 1960s introduced casual sex and challenged traditional ideas about gender roles. This led to fewer rules about dating, such as having sex before becoming engaged. More couples chose to live together before or instead of getting married. For many people born in the 1970s and 1980s, living together was seen as a way to test a relationship or as a serious commitment, similar to marriage.

Young couples tried new ways to find partners. Fewer people met through their families, and more met through friends. Marriage was no longer seen as the most important event in a person's life. Socializing in groups with both men and women became more common than traditional dating. Old traditions about dating, courtship, and marriage were replaced by confusion and uncertainty. Many young people still followed some old rules, like who should ask someone out, but the dating scene felt difficult and risky without clear guidelines.

Old ways of dating that relied on strict gender roles were slowly replaced. Without these rules, courtships became confusing and full of mixed messages. From the 1960s through the early 2000s, the clear steps of courtship, such as meeting, dating, and marrying, became less common. People no longer expected that investing time, money, and emotions in a relationship would always lead to marriage. Sociologist Barbara Dafoe Whitehead noted that by the 1980s, few rules for dating remained. The average age at which people married increased from 24.7 for men and 22 for women in 1980 to 28.2 for men and 26.1 for women in 2010. By 2016, the average age was 30 for men and 28 for women.

Marriage became less important as a sign of adulthood by the early 2000s. In the 1950s, 80% of households had married couples, but by 2000, this dropped to 51%. Only 25% of households had married couples with children. By 2000, more unmarried people lived together than married couples with children. In 1960, about 5% of households had only one person; by 2022, over 30% of households were single-person homes.

Personal ads, which began in the 19th century, became popular again in the mid-20th century. In the 1960s, newspapers like The Village Voice and San Francisco Chronicle started publishing ads for people looking for partners. By the 1980s, even serious publications like The New York Law Journal included personal ads. Though many people used ads, fewer than 1% of Americans met their partners this way.

Matrimonial clubs, which charged fees to post ads, formed in the 20th century. These clubs declined as online dating and single-person clubs became available. Video dating, where people viewed profiles and videos before meeting, started in the 1980s but was not widely used.

Operation Match, launched in 1965, was the first online dating service in the United States. These services used questionnaires and computer matching. Match.com, created in 1995, was one of the first websites to host personal ads online. As internet access grew, so did online dating. Free dating sites became popular between 2005 and 2010. With smartphones, apps like Tinder became widely used. Online dating allows people to meet partners outside their social circles and geographic areas. In 2005, 26.6 million people viewed online dating sites, and by 2011, almost 25 million did. A 2009 study found that the internet was the second-most common way heterosexual couples met (after meeting through friends). A 2022 survey found that over half of U.S. adults who had never married used dating apps.

By the early 2000s, hooking up—having sexual contact without a relationship—was common, though traditional dating still happened in some schools. This practice spread from colleges to high schools and middle schools. Sociologist Kathleen Bogle explained that students now meet in large groups and may hook up instead of going on formal dates. Some research shows that high school dating decreased in the 1990s. Female students often said they had less time for relationships due to school, sports, and work.

Hooking up is more common among white, upper-middle-class students. Black students are less likely to participate in this culture. Bogle found that after college, people were more likely to date than to hook up, though they still met partners at bars and parties. Safety concerns were a common reason people avoided hooking up after college.

A 2016 study by sociologists Tracy Luff, Kristi Hoffman, and Marit Berntson found that college students continue to date. The study said that dating and hooking up often happen together and can support each other. Students may engage in both activities.