Courtship practices in the United States changed slowly over time. As the country moved from rural areas to cities and expanded across the continent, major waves of immigrants arrived. Improvements in transportation, communication, education, industry, and the economy helped shape the nation's culture. These changes influenced how young people met, talked to each other, and got married.

Courtship is the process of people meeting and eventually marrying. Marriage and creating families were very important for the success of early American colonies. Each colony followed the traditions of the people who started it, which reflected the cultural and religious beliefs of those groups. Parents often played a big role in their children's courtships, and the local community also had some influence. Over time, the idea of romantic love became more important in deciding who people married.

In the late 1800s and early 1900s, dating became a common practice, giving families less control over how people courted. In the 1930s and 1940s, competitive dating changed quickly into the trend of "going steady" in the 1950s, where people dated one person at a time. The major social changes of the 1960s removed many old courtship traditions, but no clear new rules replaced them. By the 21st century, people still meet and form relationships, but there are no widely accepted social norms to guide these interactions.

Colonial times

In the early years of the American colonies, parents had a major role in choosing their children's marriage partners. This was an important decision because it affected both the individuals and their communities in terms of money and social standing. Wealth, social status, and love were seen as important reasons for marriage, but wealth and social position were considered more important than love. Romantic love was not viewed as a mature reason to marry. In the 17th century, many colonies required parents to agree to a marriage. For example, in New Haven and Plymouth Colony, a young man needed a woman’s father’s permission even to speak to her. These rules were not followed as strictly by the 18th century, as it became common for young people to choose their own partners.

Young people often met while doing daily tasks, such as going to church or doing chores. They sometimes had opportunities to be alone, like picking berries or working on distant fields, which couples welcomed. Even though families and communities watched closely, some couples had sexual relationships before marriage. Many colonial brides were pregnant on their wedding day. By the late 18th century, about one-third of brides in New England were pregnant before marriage.

Marriage customs varied based on the religious and cultural traditions of each colony. In the Chesapeake Colonies, families often arranged marriages. In Delaware Colony, Quakers refused to allow marriages between non-Quakers or first or second cousins, and the entire community had to approve any marriage. The Moravians in New York and Pennsylvania let church elders pair couples, but the individuals could refuse the match.

In the Puritan colonies of New England, both parents and children had to agree to a marriage. Laws and customs guided courtship. Marriage was seen as a legal agreement, not a religious ceremony. A man would ask a woman’s parents for permission, often bringing a small gift. If the parents agreed, the couple could spend time together to see if they were compatible. One tradition from Europe was "bundling," where couples slept together in a bed with a board between them.

When a couple decided to marry, announcements of their engagement were made publicly, and they were considered engaged. Breaking an engagement harmed both people’s reputations, but the woman’s reputation was often affected more. In Quaker communities, a man and woman would declare their intention to marry at a meeting. Committees would check the background of the man and woman. The couple had to announce their plans twice, so their engagement lasted at least two months.

In the early colony of Georgia, there were more men than women, so courtships were often short, and men married young girls. Parental permission was usually needed before engagement, though some settlers from the Rhineland allowed people of "a certain age" to marry without their parents’ approval. Later, as more settlers arrived, courtships became longer, and fewer girls under 16 married.

As the colonies grew, wealthy families sometimes sent unmarried daughters to cities like Savannah, Williamsburg, and Charleston to meet potential husbands. This was common in the South, where plantation families were isolated. Elite courtships relied on parental approval and strict rules. Young women felt pressure to marry, as being unmarried by 20 was seen as undesirable.

Many 18th-century immigrants were indentured servants, meaning they could not marry while working. A man could buy his future wife’s freedom so they could marry. Some men courted women by promising to pay for their freedom.

Around the American Revolution, leaders like Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Paine, and John Witherspoon wrote about courtship and marriage. Witherspoon believed men were mostly responsible for poor matches, as men had more freedom to choose. Franklin and Paine criticized marrying for wealth instead of love. Benjamin Rush and Enos Hitchcock encouraged better education for women to help them manage households. Magazines and newspapers often promoted marriage and mocked single men and women.

After American independence, young people had more freedom in their social lives, with less family or community oversight. Many had no nearby family due to being orphaned, moving away, or immigrating alone. The idea that marriage should be based on love, not just money or status, became more popular. Courtships could last years as young men worked to earn enough to support a family.

By 1800, young people usually chose their own partners. Marriage was seen as a union based on emotional connection, so only the couple could decide if they were a good match. Parents still sometimes asked for permission, but this was often a formality.

19th century

In the 1800s, people used the word "courting" to describe when unmarried men and women spent time together. If the goal was to get married later, this was called "courtship." Men and women met through their families, friends, church, and school. Courting often began in the teenage years with group activities such as picnics, riding, parties, and dances.

By the middle of the 1800s, many people in middle-class America believed romantic love was more important than religion. Because marriage was expected to bring happiness and was not allowed to end in divorce, finding the right partner was very important. People often faced challenges, doubts, and emotional problems to test their relationships. These situations were meant to strengthen the bond between couples and show their loyalty. One man once said that this testing was part of the process.

In Victorian America, people followed strict social rules in public, but private life was expected to be more personal. Love letters were a common part of courtship, especially among upper- and middle-class people, even if couples lived in different places. Books and magazines gave advice on writing letters, encouraging people to be sincere and natural. Writing love letters was seen as a private and meaningful way to connect with someone. By the late 1800s, written letters became less common in courtship.

Courting couples were not allowed to have sexual relationships before marriage, but they often engaged in other close physical activities. Chaperones, or adults who watched over couples, were not common, and couples were usually given privacy. Group activities like picnics and parties were also common. In wealthier families, chaperones were more likely to be present.

Between 1820 and 1860, the population in cities grew rapidly, and many new city residents had no family or social connections to meet potential partners. Women, in particular, used personal ads in newspapers to find partners and gain more control over their lives. A study in 1890 found that many women wanted independence and equal treatment in marriage. A researcher who studied the ads was shocked by the responses, calling them "moral depravity."

After the Civil War, there was a large difference in the number of men and women in the United States. In the east, many men had died in the war, while in the west, more men had moved to work in mining, farming, and other jobs. In some areas, there were far more men than women. To fix this, western states passed laws to attract women, such as protecting women’s property rights and allowing them to vote. These laws encouraged women to respond to marriage ads and join efforts to find partners.

During the Civil War, soldiers and sailors used personal ads to find people to write to. For a woman to reply to these ads was seen as a patriotic act. Many soldiers and their correspondents developed romantic relationships.

In the late 1800s, a young man would visit a young woman’s home for a "call," a middle-class tradition where the woman’s family provided food and supervised their relationship. A man could not visit a woman without an invitation, but he might hint that he wanted one. Magazines and books gave rules about calling, such as how soon to visit, what to talk about, and how to end the visit. These rules showed how polite and well-mannered someone was. This system was mainly used by middle-class families, and others tried to follow these rules to join the middle class.

In urban working-class communities, young women who worked and lived alone often formed relationships through "treating." This meant offering companionship and close physical contact in exchange for gifts, outings, or money. This practice led to the slang word "date." Some reformers called these women "charity girls," believing they needed to be "rescued." However, these women did not want to be rescued. In places like the Bowery, giving gifts or going on outings in exchange for sexual activity became part of how young people courted.

1900 to 1960

At the start of the 20th century, society began to change how men and women interacted. More young people worked outside the home, and more women attended college. Social opportunities for men and women grew. For example, a section in Emily Post’s Etiquette titled “The Chaperon and Other Conventions” in 1922 was later renamed “The Vanishing Chaperon and Other New Conventions” in 1927 and “The Vanished Chaperon and Other Lost Conventions” in 1937, showing how traditions about chaperones faded over time.

Before the 1920s, young women were often visited at home by men, and the visit was arranged by the woman and her family. Later, dating became common, where men usually paid for the activity, and they took the lead in arranging the meeting. This shift changed how people courted. Previously, women controlled the calling system, but in dating, men had more control. Dating moved courtship from private homes to public places like restaurants, dances, and movies. Because men often paid for dates, some people saw dating as a way to spend money.

After World War I, older rules about behavior were quickly replaced. By the 1920s, dating and petting became common ways to court. While couples had always paired up, new rules about how to behave during dates became important. Dating filled the space between casual group activities and serious relationships with the goal of marriage. A study called the Kinsey Report found that people who became adults during the 1910s and 1920s had more premarital sexual activity than earlier generations. Public schools began teaching sex education around 1910, which matched the growing acceptance of dating.

As more people lived in cities, couples met outside the home and church. They went to movies, dance halls, vaudeville shows, and restaurants. Dancing became the most popular activity in the 1920s, especially in high school and college. Colleges often held dances organized by fraternities. At these events, a group of young men called a “stag line” would cut in to dance with other men’s partners. This behavior increased the social status of both the woman and her date.

The rise of enclosed cars made them important for dating. Cars provided privacy, leading to couples kissing in “lovers’ lanes.” In the 1920s, many college women said they had participated in “petting parties,” where couples could experiment with physical affection in a semi-public setting.

Although dating became the main way to court, it also created competition. In 1946, an anthropologist named Margaret Mead said dating was more about competition than love, and that Americans had few traditional courtship rituals. During the 1930s, high school and college students often dated multiple people, a practice called “playing the field.” Sociologists called this “competitive dating,” where having many partners showed popularity. A study by Willard Waller in 1937 described this as a “rating and dating complex,” where people were judged based on things like money, clothing, and who they dated. However, some researchers later questioned how widespread this pattern was.

Magazines and etiquette guides encouraged young people to follow these trends. Girls were told how to appear popular, and boys were advised to date many women. This competitive style of dating spread to the general public, especially in high schools. At dances, girls were often expected to be “cut in” frequently, so they never danced with the same partner for long.

From the 1930s to the 1950s, society placed more emphasis on following strict gender roles. Young people were taught to act in ways that fit traditional ideas of masculinity and femininity. For example, men were expected to pay for dates, order meals, and make decisions. Women were told to avoid showing independence or intelligence. Men were encouraged to take charge, and women were told to expect men to lead in all situations. Only men could initiate physical affection, which women could accept or refuse.

These strict rules made many young people feel judged and insecure. The Great Depression made dating harder, as few could afford expensive dates or think about marriage. In 1932, the marriage rate dropped to 7.9 per 1,000 people, compared to 10.14 three years earlier. World War II made it harder to find marriageable men, as many young men joined the military. After the war, magazines warned that many women might never marry because there were not enough men.

By the 1940s, dating multiple partners became less common, and “going steady” — forming long-term, committed relationships — became popular. The marriage rate rose from 7.9 per 1,000 in 1932 to 13.2 in 1942 and 16.4 in 1946. Some historians say the shortage of men during the war caused this change. After the war, going steady became even more common. This practice was a form of serial monogamy, where people had one serious relationship at a time.

At first, going steady was seen as a step toward marriage. By the 1950s, however, couples who went steady did not always plan to marry. They acted like married couples, even if they did not intend to wed. Going steady was a common topic in teen books and was expected of high school students. Sociologist Wini Breines described this trend as a way for young people to fit into society’s expectations.

1960 to present

The 1960s brought major changes to American society as young people led movements that challenged traditional ideas. These included protests against the Vietnam War, the civil rights movement, the women's liberation movement, and the gay liberation movement. Dating rules from the 1950s became less common, and expectations about gender roles softened. Young men and women still dated, but their reasons were more about personal happiness and building close relationships, rather than following rules that aimed to lead to marriage.

The sexual revolution of the 1960s, which included more casual relationships and questioning of gender roles, helped reduce traditional dating practices. People began having sex before marriage more often, and many couples chose to live together before or instead of getting married. For many people born in the 1970s and 1980s, living together was seen as a way to test a relationship or as a serious commitment similar to marriage.

Young couples tried new ways to find partners. Fewer people met through their families, and more met through friends. Marriage was no longer seen as the most important event in a person’s life. Socializing in groups with both men and women became more common than formal dating. Old traditions about dating, relationships, and marriage were replaced by confusion and uncertainty, even though some people still followed certain rules, like who asks someone out. Many found dating difficult or risky because the rules that once guided relationships disappeared.

Old dating rules that relied on strict gender roles were slowly forgotten. Without these rules, relationships became confusing and unclear. From the 1960s through the early 2000s, the usual steps for finding a partner and getting married changed. People no longer expected that investing time, money, and emotions in a relationship would automatically lead to marriage. Sociologist Barbara Dafoe Whitehead said:

By the 1980s, there were very few rules about how couples met or committed to each other. Uncertainty and occasional longing for old traditions were common. In 1980, the average age for men to marry was 24.7 and for women was 22. By 2010, the average age for men was 28.2 and for women was 26.1. By 2016, the average age for men was 30 and for women was 28.

Marriage became less important as a sign of adulthood by the early 2000s. In the 1950s, 80% of households had married couples, but by 2000, this dropped to 51%. Only 25% of households had married couples with children. By 2000, more unmarried people lived together than married couples with children. In 1960, about 5% of households had only one person, but by 2022, over 30% of households had only one person.

Personal advertisements, which first appeared in the 19th century, became more popular in the mid-20th century. In the 1960s, The Village Voice started publishing personal ads, and The San Francisco Chronicle included ads for people interested in casual relationships. By the late 1980s, even publications like The New York Law Journal had personal ads. Using ads to find a partner became an accepted way to meet people, though studies showed fewer than 1% of Americans met their partners this way.

Matrimonial clubs, which collected ads for a fee, started in the 20th century. These clubs declined as computer dating and single-person clubs became popular. Video dating, where people watched profiles and videos before deciding to meet, began in the 1980s but was not widely used.

Operation Match, started in 1965, was the first online dating service in the United States. These services used questionnaires and computer matching. Match.com, launched in 1995, was one of the first websites to host personal ads online. As internet access grew, online dating became more common. Free dating sites appeared between 2005 and 2010, and dating apps like Tinder became popular with smartphones. Online dating allows people to meet partners outside their social circles and geographic areas. In 2005, 26.6 million people viewed online dating sites, and almost 25 million did so in 2011. A 2009 study found that the internet was the second-most common way for heterosexual couples to meet, after meeting through friends. In 2022, over half of U.S. adults who had never married used a dating app.

By the early 2000s, many young people started hooking up, which means having sexual relationships without a formal commitment. However, traditional dating still existed in some areas, like the South and schools with strong religious ties. Sociologist Kathleen Bogle said that students often meet in large groups and may hook up. This is different from the old idea of dating first and then having sex. Researchers found that high school dating decreased in the 1990s, and some female students said they had little time for relationships due to school, sports, or work.

Hooking up was more common among white, upper-middle-class students than among Black students. Bogle found that after college, people were more likely to date than to continue hooking up, though they still met partners at bars and parties. One reason people avoided hooking up after college was safety. A 2016 study by sociologists Tracy Luff, Kristi Hoffman, and Marit Berntson said that college students still date and that dating and hooking up often happen together.