The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a nonfiction book written by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman in 1992. The book describes five general ways that romantic partners show and feel love, which Chapman refers to as "love languages." Scientific studies do not strongly support the main ideas presented in the book.

Summary

According to Chapman, the five "love languages" are:

• Words of affirmation – Showing love through spoken praise, compliments, and encouragement.
• Quality time – Showing love by giving full attention, having meaningful conversations, and doing activities together.
• Gifts – Showing love through thoughtful and meaningful gifts that show appreciation and affection.
• Acts of service – Showing love by doing helpful tasks that make the partner’s life easier.
• Physical touch – Showing love through physical gestures like hugging, kissing, and holding hands.

Chapman shares examples from his counseling work and includes questions to help readers identify their own and their partner’s primary and secondary love languages. According to Chapman’s theory, each person has one primary and one secondary love language.

To find someone else’s love language, Chapman suggests watching how they show love to others, looking at what they complain about most often, and noting what they ask for most from their partner. He believes people naturally give love in the same way they prefer to receive it. Better communication between couples can happen when one person shows care in the way that matches their partner’s preferred love language.

For example: If a husband’s love language is acts of service, he might be confused if he does the laundry and his wife does not see it as a sign of love, because she prefers words of affirmation (spoken praise that he loves her). She might try to show love by using words of affirmation, but he might not value that as much. If she understands his love language and mows the lawn for him, he sees it as a way she is showing love. Similarly, if he tells her he loves her, she sees it as a sign of love.

Reception

The book sold 8,500 copies in its first year, which was four times more than the publisher expected. In the next year, it sold 17,000 copies, and two years after that, it sold 137,000 copies. As of 2013, the book had spent 297 weeks on the New York Times Best Seller list.

Scientific studies about whether love languages are valid have not reached clear conclusions. Many studies suggest the idea may not be correct. Psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman has questioned the idea that people have one main love language or that it is helpful to only show or receive love in one way. A 2006 study by Nicole Egbert and Denise Polk found that the five love languages might have some level of reliability in measuring how people experience love.

A 2017 study in the journal Personal Relationships that included 67 heterosexual couples found little evidence that couples with matching love languages had higher relationship satisfaction. A 2023 review by relationship scientists concluded that the love languages theory does not have strong scientific support. Research does not show that people consistently have a preferred love language or that couples who share the same love language have better relationship quality.

Scientific evidence does not strongly support the main ideas of love languages. Long-lasting love depends on a variety of ways people interact, not on using one specific method of showing love.

Related works

Since 1992, Chapman has written many books about The Five Love Languages. These books show how the ideas can be used in different situations:

• "The Five Love Languages of Children" (1997) – This book helps parents learn how to understand and express love to their children.
• "The Five Love Languages for Singles" (2004) – This book helps people who are not in romantic relationships apply the same ideas.
• "The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace" (2011) – This book, written with Dr. Paul White, shows how these ideas can improve relationships and happiness in workplaces.
• "The Five Love Languages Military Edition" (2013) – This book, written with Jocelyn Green, explains how these ideas can help strengthen relationships in military families.