In psychology, a difference is often noticed between two kinds of love: passionate love and companionate love. Some theories suggest these two types of love serve different purposes. Studies in psychology and biology show they work in different ways. Both passionate love and companionate love can help people feel happy in their relationships. These two types of love are also different from a third kind called compassionate love, which is about caring for others.

Passionate love is sometimes called "romantic love" in some areas of study, especially in biology. However, the term "passionate love" is more commonly used in psychology. There is no single, agreed-upon way to describe love in academic writing. Other terms used to describe passionate love include "being in love," "having a crush," "obsessive love," "limerence," and "eros."

Companionate love is often called "attachment" or compared to strong friendship, known as "friendship love" or "storge." This type of love is usually linked to the "attachment system" from attachment theory, but not all experts agree on this connection.

Passionate love

Psychologists often use a questionnaire called the Passionate Love Scale (PLS) to measure feelings of passionate love. Elaine Hatfield and Susan Sprecher describe passionate love as involving intense emotions, such as joy and fulfillment, but also sadness and pain. Hatfield explains that the word "passion" originally meant suffering, like the pain Christ experienced. Passionate love is not an emotion itself but a motivational state that causes different emotions depending on the situation, such as happiness if the love is returned or sadness if it is not. A 2014 study of young adults in Iran found that early romantic love was linked to increased energy, happiness, and better sleep, but also to higher levels of depression and anxiety. The researchers concluded that romantic love is not always a happy time.

Passionate love is typically strongest in the early stages of a relationship, when it is new or before it begins. However, in rare cases called long-term intense romantic love, strong attraction can last for many years.

In modern research, passionate love is sometimes seen as a mix of different feelings. For example, the PLS includes questions about companionate love, leading Sandra Langeslag and others to create the Infatuation and Attachment Scales (IAS) to better measure passionate and companionate love. The PLS also includes an obsessive element, which means it is possible to feel love or attraction without being overly obsessed. While Hatfield originally linked passionate love to sexual attraction, modern studies say that sexual and romantic attraction are different. People can form and keep relationships without sexual desire.

The Infatuation Scale, developed by Langeslag and others, includes questions like:
– Thinking about the person a lot.
– Feeling nervous or shaky when near the person.
– Losing interest in food because of the person.
– Having trouble focusing on work or school because of thoughts about the person.
– Worrying about saying the wrong thing to the person.
– Feeling sweaty or nervous when near the person.
– Feeling tense when close to the person.
– Having trouble sleeping because of thinking about the person.
– Trying to find hidden meanings in the person’s words.
– Feeling shy around the person.

Langeslag’s research found that infatuation is more connected to negative emotions than attachment and often decreases once a relationship begins. People not in relationships scored the highest on infatuation.

The word "infatuation" is sometimes used in everyday language to mean something different from "love." Hatfield argues that the only difference between infatuation and passionate love is the word used. Albert Ellis and Robert Harper found that people often use "infatuation" to describe past relationships and "love" for current ones. Hatfield suggests that when people say someone is "just infatuated," they may be expressing disapproval of the relationship.

Passionate love includes an obsessive part, such as thinking about the person constantly, feeling uncertain, and having mood changes. A study found that people in love often think about their partner for about 65% of their waking time.

Research by Bianca Acevedo and Arthur Aron showed that the obsessive part of the PLS can be separated from the non-obsessive part. Questions about obsession include:
– Feeling unable to control thoughts about the partner.
– Having trouble focusing on work because of thoughts about the partner.
– Feeling very sad when the relationship goes poorly.

Questions about non-obsessive love include:
– Wanting the partner physically, emotionally, and mentally.
– Believing the partner is the perfect romantic partner.
– Preferring to be with the partner than anyone else.
– Feeling strongly attracted to the partner.

Acevedo and Aron found that obsessive passionate love was linked to greater happiness in short-term relationships but less happiness in long-term ones. A study by James Graham also found that obsessive romantic feelings were connected to lower happiness over time.

Acevedo, Aron, and Graham suggest that obsessive romantic feelings may be linked to attachment style, which describes how people think about and behave in relationships. Attachment style includes anxiety (worrying the partner is not attentive) and avoidance (preferring not to depend on others). Some research suggests attachment style forms in childhood, while other studies suggest it has a genetic component. People may have different attachment styles with different partners.

Idealization, or seeing a partner in a very positive light, is a type of positive illusion. A 1996 study found that couples who idealized each other were happier. A brain scan study also found that couples still in love after four years showed brain activity linked to overlooking negative traits.

While Hatfield and others have linked idealization to passionate love, studies on positive illusions have looked at couples in all relationship stages, including long-term ones.

Companionate love

Companionate love is not as strong as passionate love. It is a gentle feeling that grows when things are going well in a relationship. Elaine Hatfield describes companionate love as "a steady burning fire, fueled by delightful experiences but extinguished by painful ones." This type of love is more common in long-term relationships, and Hatfield highlights that having a compatible partner is important. Ellen Berscheid notes that companionate love may be the "staff of life" for many relationships and can lead to a more satisfying marriage than romantic love.

Companionate love is connected to intimacy. Hatfield explains that intimate relationships often share these traits:

Companionate love is often compared to storge, but James Graham argues that storge is more similar to practical friendship, which lacks qualities like intimacy and commitment found in companionate love.

Langeslag et al.'s Attachment Scale (similar to companionate love) includes questions such as:

• Believing the person can be trusted.
• Being willing to share possessions with the person.
• Feeling lonely without the person.
• Thinking the person is the right match.
• Believing the person knows everything about them.
• Hoping feelings for the person never end.
• Feeling emotionally close to the person.
• Feeling comforted by the person during difficult times.
• Believing the person makes them happiest.
• Including the person in future plans.

Companionate love is sometimes linked to "attachment" in attachment theory. John Bowlby originally described an "attachment system" as a way for infants to stay close to caregivers, using them as a "secure base" to explore the world. When threatened, the infant seeks closeness to the caregiver and feels upset when separated. Some theories suggest this system is reused in adult relationships, taking on a new purpose.

However, companionate love is also seen as similar to strong friendship. Ellen Berscheid points out that it is unclear if all adult relationships are attachments in the way attachment theory defines them. She states that the idea that romantic partners act as each other's attachment figures needs more scientific testing.

Timeline

Passionate love is sometimes linked to the experience of falling in love at first sight, but not all people fall in love quickly or suddenly. A study of Chinese and American participants found that 38% fell in love quickly, while 35% fell in love slowly. Another study of Iranians showed that 70% fell in love slowly or very slowly.

One idea is that passionate love may change into companionate love over time in a relationship. However, other explanations suggest that companionate love is also important at the beginning of a relationship. In some cases, companionate love may develop before passionate love. Some evidence suggests that attachment takes about two years to form. For example, a study found that people in relationships for about two years were more likely to consider their romantic partner as an attachment figure, compared to people who named a parent instead.

One estimate for how long passionate love lasts is 18 months to 3 years. This comes from survey data collected by Dorothy Tennov for her 1979 book Love and Limerence. Another estimate comes from a 1999 experiment by Donatelli Marazziti and colleagues, which found differences in blood serotonin levels between people who were newly in love and others who were not. These levels returned to normal after 12 to 18 months. In rare cases, intense attraction may last much longer, such as in the phenomenon of long-term intense romantic love. These individuals often show less obsession than they did in the early stages of their relationships.

Companionate love is believed to grow over time as a relationship continues, but it may decrease very slowly over many years. In the past, some people thought companionate love remained stable once it developed. However, one study of new marriages found that companionate love decreased after one year.

Causal conditions

There are many ideas about why people feel love for others and when they feel it. Most experts agree that passionate love and companionate love work in different ways.

Companionate love usually grows when people like each other and know each other well. However, the reasons for passionate love are more complicated. Research shows that love and conflict can happen together in a relationship. In fact, passionate love may even grow stronger when negative emotions are present.

Ellen Berscheid explains that companionate love follows the "pleasure-pain principle." This means people tend to like those who make them feel good and dislike those who make them feel bad. Factors that influence companionate love include things like shared interests, spending time together, feeling respected, physical attraction, and sharing personal thoughts. While passionate love often comes before companionate love, Berscheid says companionate love can also help create passionate love.

Experts disagree about whether sexual desire plays a role in developing romantic love.

Passionate love is often linked to sexual desire. For example, Berscheid says passionate love may come from a mix of companionate love and sexual desire. However, Lisa Diamond argues that while sexual desire is often part of passionate love, it is not always needed. Diamond supports this with examples from history and science, saying that the brain systems behind romantic love evolved separately from sexual orientation. She believes that spending time together and physical touch can help create romantic feelings even without sexual desire.

Helen Fisher believes passionate love is connected to how animals choose mates. She says people have preferences that influence who they fall in love with. However, Fisher explains that these preferences are different from the basic desire for sex, even though they are related.

Berscheid also says that surprising or exciting events can make people feel passionate love. New relationships often have more surprises because partners behave in unexpected ways, which can create strong emotions. In contrast, long-term partners may act predictably, which reduces excitement.

Fisher suggests doing new and exciting activities together to keep passion alive. In one study, couples who did exciting tasks reported feeling more satisfied with their relationships and more romantic love than couples who did boring tasks.

Elaine Hatfield says that both happy and unpleasant emotions can increase feelings of passionate love. She explains that strong emotions, whether good or bad, can create physical excitement. For example, studies on animals showed that puppies who were treated inconsistently (sometimes rewarded, sometimes punished) were more attached to their trainers than those treated consistently. Hatfield says that predictable behavior does not create much emotion, but sudden changes—like a friend acting unkindly or an enemy being kind—can spark interest.

Another idea is that passion grows quickly when a relationship becomes more intimate. Arthur Aron and Elaine Aron suggest that passion happens when people rapidly expand their sense of self by including the qualities of their partner. Over time, as relationships become more familiar, passion may fade because the increase in intimacy becomes more stable.

Love regulation is the process of using actions or thoughts to change how strongly someone feels love. Sometimes, love feelings may be too strong, such as after a breakup, or too weak, like when love fades in a long-term relationship. Sandra Langeslag says it is a common mistake to think love feelings are uncontrollable. However, research shows that people can manage these feelings.

For example, looking at photos of a loved one has been shown to increase feelings of infatuation (passionate love) and attachment (companionate love).

One method called cognitive reappraisal involves focusing on positive or negative aspects of a relationship or future possibilities:

• Negative reappraisal focuses on negative traits of a partner, problems in the relationship, or bad future outcomes. This can reduce feelings of love but may lower mood temporarily. Langeslag suggests distraction can help improve mood. Negative reappraisal might help people deal with heartbreak or end harmful relationships.
• Positive reappraisal focuses on positive traits, good parts of the relationship, or happy future scenarios. This can increase attachment and improve relationship satisfaction, which may help strengthen long-term relationships.

Love regulation does not change feelings immediately. Langeslag recommends daily practices, such as writing a list of things to focus on, to create lasting changes in how love is felt.

Biology

Passionate and companionate love are connected but different. They use different parts of the brain and have different roles. Passionate love is believed to help people choose a partner or start a relationship. Companionate love helps keep a relationship strong, keeps people close, and encourages friendly actions.

Passionate love is often linked to a brain chemical called dopamine. Companionate love is often linked to a brain chemical called oxytocin, and sometimes to another chemical called vasopressin or endogenous opioids.

Passionate love is sometimes compared to addiction, but there are differences. People in the early stages of romantic love may feel similar to addicts, such as feeling happy or strongly wanting their partner. These feelings usually fade over time, but drug addiction usually gets worse. Helen Fisher has suggested that romantic love can be a "positive addiction" when it is mutual, and a "negative addiction" when it is not returned or is not appropriate.