Obsessive love is shown by repeated efforts to control or own someone, especially when rejection happens. This type of love is different from other kinds of love because it is one-sided, and the person may act in ways that push others away. Rejection is the biggest fear for someone with obsessive love, and they often struggle to move on when someone no longer shows interest or leaves the relationship. This kind of love usually causes feelings of low self-worth, harmful actions, and isolation from others. In some cases, it may lead to watching or following the person they love, or even causing harm.

Most people who stalk others in an obsessive way without being delusional had a past relationship with the person they are targeting, such as a former partner. These individuals often have personality disorders.

Comparison

The term "obsessive love" can be compared to several other types of love:

• Mania (or manic love): This is a type of love that is very controlling and needs a lot of attention. A person who experiences mania feels insecure and jealous, and they often need constant reassurance that they are loved. They may fall in love with someone they do not truly like and imagine qualities in that person that are not real. Mania is most similar to eros, which is love focused on beauty or attraction. A person who experiences eros is confident and looks for an ideal partner, usually someone who is a good match.

• Passionate love (or infatuation): This is the type of love felt early in a relationship or when thinking about someone before a relationship begins. It involves strong feelings of wanting someone very much, which can lead to thinking about them constantly, feeling uncertain, and having mood changes. Passionate love is different from companionate love, which is a slower-growing, gentler form of affection. Passionate love includes parts of other love types but does not always clearly separate them, such as the difference between eros and mania.

• Limerence: This is a type of intense, all-consuming infatuation, often for someone who is not easily reachable. It is described as a state where a person spends a lot of time imagining their love interest (called the "limerent object"). This type of love is similar to the feelings shown in stories like Romeo and Juliet. Limerence can affect daily life and mental health. According to the person who created the term, Dorothy Tennov, limerence is a normal experience, but problems like violence or suicide may occur if it is combined with other issues. Limerence is often not returned, but it can be mutual. In cases where both people feel limerence, Tennov’s theory suggests that obstacles in the relationship make the feelings stronger.

• Love addiction: This is a proposed condition where someone experiences extreme distress and continues to seek love relationships despite negative outcomes. Experts disagree on whether love addiction is a real disorder or when it should be treated.

• Erotomania: This is a mental condition where a person believes someone loves them, even when that person does not. This belief is called "de Clérambault's syndrome." A person with erotomania may make up reasons to explain rejections, even if they are extreme, to keep believing their love is secretly returned. A similar condition is called "morbid infatuation," where a person does not believe their love is returned but still strongly believes they can succeed in pursuing a relationship. These conditions are often seen in people who stalk others they are not connected to. The term "erotomania" is not clearly defined in medical guides like the DSM.

• Obsessive love disorder: This is a term sometimes used online but is not listed in the DSM, which is a medical guide for diagnosing mental health conditions.

Psychology

The problem with obsessive love is not about loving too much, but about strong feelings of anger when someone is rejected or feels abandoned. Susan Forward explains that in her work, she found four conditions that help identify when someone is struggling with obsessive love:

— Susan Forward, Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go

John Moore describes how people who "confuse love with obsession" experience a cycle of four stages called the "Obsessive Relational Progression":

• Attraction: This stage begins with a strong, sudden interest in someone new. People may have unrealistic ideas about the person, feel an urgent need to start a relationship quickly, and begin acting in ways that try to control the situation.
• Anxiety: This happens after a relationship starts. Without clear reasons, the person may worry about their partner being unfaithful, feel afraid of being left, and become distrustful. This can lead to sadness, fear, and more controlling behavior.
• Obsession: At this point, extreme behaviors take over. The person may watch their partner closely, follow them, or even act violently.
• Destruction: The relationship ends, and the partner often leaves.

Obsessive love may be linked to an anxious way of attaching to others. A type of love called "mania love" (which is obsessive and dependent) is connected to worry about being abandoned and a personality trait called neuroticism. A study using a tool called the Passionate Love Scale found that obsessive love was tied to happiness in short-term relationships but led to slightly less happiness over time.

In the dualistic model of passion, two types of passion are described:
– Harmonious passion: This happens when a person feels positive and in control while being passionate.
– Obsessive passion: This happens when a person feels out of control, and their passion interferes with their daily life.

This is similar to the difference between two types of love: eros (harmonious love) and mania (obsessive love). A study found that harmonious romantic passion was strongly linked to feeling secure in relationships, while obsessive romantic passion was moderately linked to feeling anxious about relationships. Obsessive passion has also been connected to unhealthy ways of handling conflicts, such as being critical or defensive.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher believed that "abandonment rage" (anger after being rejected) can be explained by the idea that anger happens when something expected (like a reward) is threatened. Love and anger share similar brain processes, both causing excitement and focused energy. Fisher thought that abandonment rage originally helped people find new partners, but sometimes it leads to violence.

Jealousy is another part of obsessive love. It is similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) because it involves repetitive, uncontrollable thoughts and checking for signs of unfaithfulness. In extreme cases, this can become "Othello syndrome," where a person strongly believes their partner is unfaithful without proof. Jealousy is linked to irritability, which can lead to violence. Spousal murder is often connected to real or suspected infidelity. Some theories suggest that this dangerous behavior may come from using threats of violence to control a partner, even though this can sometimes lead to actual violence to make the threat seem real.

Some experts argue that non-pathological jealousy evolved as a way to protect relationships from others trying to take a partner. This can be helpful as long as it helps keep a relationship strong.

Stalking

Love obsession can sometimes lead to stalking, though people who stalk often have other mental health conditions. Like falling in love, stalking is sometimes described as a type of addiction. A 1999 study by Paul Mullen and colleagues examined 145 stalkers and grouped them into categories:

• Rejected ex-partners (41 out of 145): These individuals were former partners who felt rejected. Many had personality disorders, though 9 had beliefs that were not true (delusional), and 5 of those had extreme jealousy. These stalkers often felt a mix of wanting to reconcile, seek revenge, and experience emotions like frustration, anger, jealousy, and sadness.
• Intimacy seekers (49 out of 145): These people tried to form a close relationship with someone they saw as their "true love." Most had delusional beliefs, and were further divided into:
• Erotomania (27 out of 145): Believed the person they loved felt the same way.
• Morbid infatuations (22 out of 145): Did not believe the person loved them but still believed they would eventually succeed.
• Personality disorders (7 out of 145): Had mental health conditions but did not have delusional beliefs.
• Incompetent stalkers (22 out of 145): Viewed their victims as attractive but were not driven by infatuation. Instead, they had limited intelligence and poor social skills.
• Other motives (33 out of 145): These individuals had reasons unrelated to relationships, such as broken friendships or family ties, sexual interest, or a desire to frighten someone.

Limerence is another form of love obsession. It is similar to other types of love fixation but has different motives and emotional causes. A person in limerence hopes for mutual feelings and feels happy or upset depending on whether their romantic interest seems to return their feelings. In contrast, stalking is driven by a desire to force contact, control, or punish someone for rejecting them. Limerence can cause stress if it becomes too intense, but it is also a normal part of early romantic feelings for many people.

Neuroscience

Obsessive thinking about a loved one is often described as an important sign of romantic love, helping people remember their loved ones. Some studies show that people may think about their loved ones as much as 85 to 100% of the time. One study found that people in love, on average, think about their loved ones about 65% of the time they are awake. Another study used a method called cluster analysis to group people based on how much they think about their partners. The group with the least intense feelings spent about 35% of their time thinking about their loved ones, while the group with the strongest feelings spent about 72% of their time doing so.

Since the late 1990s, these obsessive thoughts have been compared to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Some theories suggest that obsessive or intrusive thinking may be linked to lower levels of a brain chemical called serotonin, though results from studies have not always been clear. Another theory connects obsessive thinking to addiction, as people who use drugs often have obsessive thoughts and habits related to drug use.

The early stage of romantic love is sometimes compared to a behavioral addiction, where the "substance" involved is the loved person. Addiction involves a process called incentive salience, also known as "wanting." This is when certain things in the environment become very noticeable and attractive, like a "motivational magnet" that pulls a person toward a reward. Incentive salience is different from craving, which is a conscious feeling. While incentive salience can cause strong urges that lead to cravings, it can also drive actions without a person being aware. For example, in one experiment, cocaine users did not realize they were choosing a lower dose of cocaine more often than a placebo.

In the incentive-sensitization theory of addiction, repeated drug use makes the brain very sensitive to drugs and drug-related cues, leading to very high levels of "wanting" to use drugs. People in love are thought to experience similar feelings of incentive salience when thinking about their loved ones. Lovers also share other traits with addicts, such as tolerance (needing more of something to feel the same effect), dependence (needing something to function), withdrawal (feeling unwell when the loved one is not present), relapse (returning to old behaviors), craving, and changes in mood.

Cultural references

The ancient Greeks referred to obsessive love as "theia mania," which means "madness from the gods." This idea is shown in Greek myths, such as the story of Apollo and Daphne.

Obsessive love has also been shown in movies like Fatal Attraction and Play Misty for Me, as well as in the novel Wuthering Heights.