In human relationships, the idea of age differences between partners has changed over time and differs among cultures. People in different societies may have different ideas about what age differences are acceptable. Preferences for partners of certain ages can be influenced by factors such as how many people are available to date, traditional roles for men and women, and natural tendencies in choosing mates. These preferences may also vary between different cultures. Social theories explain why age differences happen in relationships, and some people have suggested reasons for relationships where one partner is much younger than the other (see more at Hypergamy). Relationships with large age differences have been recorded throughout most of human history. People's opinions about these relationships have varied widely, depending on the traditions and laws of their society.
Statistics (heterosexual)
Studies in Australia and the United Kingdom found similar results. In many cultures, older men often form relationships with younger women. Sometimes, older women also date younger men. In both situations, wealth and physical appearance are often important factors. Teenage boys usually show interest in teenage girls and women slightly older than themselves. Older men also tend to be interested in women of their own age. However, research shows that women's choices have a bigger impact on relationship patterns than men's choices.
Most men marry women who are younger than themselves. In Spain, the age difference is about two to three years. In the United Kingdom, the average difference is about three years, and in the United States, it is about two and a half years. This pattern was also found in other parts of the world, with the largest age gap in Africa. However, more women are marrying younger men now. A study from 2003 by the UK's Office for National Statistics found that the percentage of women in England and Wales marrying younger men increased from 15% to 26% between 1963 and 1998. Another study showed that divorce rates tend to rise as the age difference between partners increases, whether the woman is older or the man is older. However, a 2008 study found that this difference was not important.
In August 2010, Michael Dunn of the University of Wales Institute, Cardiff, shared the results of a study on age differences in dating. Dunn concluded that women generally prefer men who are their own age or older, while men often prefer women who are younger. A 2003 AARP study reported that only 34% of women over 39 years old were dating men younger than themselves.
A 2011 study suggested that when women marry younger men, it is linked to shorter lifespans for women. However, married people generally live longer than those who are not married.
Reasons for age disparity (heterosexual)
People have different reasons for being in relationships with others of different ages. A 2021 review in the Journal of Family Theory and Review found that these reasons vary widely depending on the situation. Explanations for age differences in relationships often focus on two ideas: the rational choice model and the study of population trends in a society.
The rational choice model suggests that people may look for partners who can support them financially. For example, some believe that as men earn more money with age, women may prefer older men. However, this trend is becoming less common as more women join the workforce. Population trends include factors like the balance between men and women in a society, the number of people looking for marriage, and how people move from one place to another.
Another idea is that cultural values influence age differences. In cultures where having children is highly valued, age gaps between partners may be larger. However, a study in Canada found that couples with large age differences are less likely to have children than couples of similar ages. As people tend to marry later in life and remarriage becomes more common, age differences between partners have grown.
A study from Brown University found that a country’s social structure has the greatest influence on the age difference between spouses. In some cultures, people worry that age differences might create problems, such as differences in sexual preferences, financial situations, or social roles. These issues can be further complicated by traditional ideas about how men and women should act in relationships. In societies where older people have more wealth than younger people, this can also affect how relationships work.
The "cougar" trend, where older women date much younger men, is often shown in the media as a common part of modern Western culture. However, a 2010 study in Evolution and Human Behavior found that this idea may not be true. The study showed that most men still prefer younger, attractive women, and most women, regardless of their age, prefer older, successful men. The study found very few examples of older women dating much younger men or vice versa. However, the study has been criticized for focusing only on online dating profiles, which are not always used by people looking for partners of different ages, and for not including the United States in its research.
Evolutionary perspective
The evolutionary approach, based on the ideas of Charles Darwin, explains differences in age between people in romantic relationships using natural selection and sexual selection. Sexual selection includes two main processes: intrasexual selection, where individuals of the same sex compete for mates, and intersexual choice, where individuals choose mates based on specific traits. Life history theory, which includes Parental Investment Theory, helps explain these processes. This theory suggests that individuals must balance their energy and resources between different activities, as energy used for one task cannot be used for another.
Parental Investment Theory explains how people choose mates based on their ability to reproduce and invest in offspring. It predicts that people prefer mates who can provide the most reproductive benefits. This theory explains both intrasexual competition and intersexual choice because of differences in how much each sex invests in raising children. Usually, the sex that invests less (often males) competes for the attention of the sex that invests more (often females), who are more selective in choosing mates. However, in humans, males often invest more in parenting than other male mammals, though females still invest more overall. This means both males and females must compete and be selective in choosing mates. These theories explain why natural and sexual selection affect males and females differently, leading to different preferences. For example, differences in age preferences may result from how each sex values traits in the opposite sex at different ages.
A study by David Buss examined differences in mate preferences across 37 cultures with 10,047 people. In all cultures, males preferred females younger than themselves, and females preferred males older than themselves. These preferences were supported by marriage records showing males often married younger females. A later study by Schwarz and Hassebrauck, involving 21,245 people aged 18 to 65, confirmed these findings. Participants were asked about their mate preferences and the ages they would accept. On average, males were willing to accept females slightly older than themselves (about 4.5 years older) but preferred females much younger (about 10 years younger). Females, in contrast, were more open to older males (about 8 years older) and also accepted younger males (about 5 years younger). This pattern differs from chimpanzees, where males often prefer older females.
Buss suggested that males prefer younger females because youth and physical attractiveness signal fertility and reproductive potential. He noted that an age preference around 25 years old may reflect when fertility is highest in females. From a life history theory perspective, females who show these traits are seen as better at investing in offspring. This idea is supported by a study showing teenage males often prefer mates older than themselves.
Buss and Schmitt explained that humans have both short-term and long-term mating relationships. Their Sexual Strategies Theory describes how males and females evolved different strategies for these relationships. Males tend to focus more on short-term relationships, as they require fewer resources and allow access to more mates. However, males also seek long-term mates to ensure they can support offspring. For both types of relationships, males prefer younger females because of their reproductive value.
Females, who invest more in parenting, are more selective in choosing mates, as predicted by Parental Investment Theory. They face challenges in judging a male’s reproductive value based on appearance, as age has less impact on a male’s ability to reproduce. Buss noted that females often prefer older males because they may have more resources or higher status. For long-term relationships, females tend to focus on long-term mating due to the risks of short-term relationships, such as uncertainty about a child’s paternity.
In short-term relationships, females may prefer males with physical attractiveness, as this can signal "good genes." Traits like facial features associated with older males may indicate genetic quality. Buss and Schmitt found that females also prefer older males for long-term relationships, as age can signal the ability to provide resources.
A book called Dataclysm by Christian Rudder, based on data from the dating site OkCupid, found that young women often find men their own age or slightly older most attractive. For example, 20-year-old women found 23-year-old men most appealing, and 30-year-old women found 30-year-old men most attractive. In contrast, men consistently preferred women in their early 20s, regardless of their own age. For instance, 50-year-old men found 22-year-old women most attractive.
Cross-cultural differences (heterosexual)
Research has shown that in many cultures around the world, men often prefer to marry women who are younger than themselves, while women often prefer to marry men who are older. A study of 37 countries found that people generally prefer to marry someone close to the age when women are most likely to have children, which is around 24 to 25 years old. On average, women prefer to marry at 25.4 years old and choose a partner who is 3.4 years older, making their ideal partner about 28.8 years old. Men, on average, prefer to marry at 27.5 years old and choose a partner who is 2.7 years younger, making their ideal partner about 24.8 years old. The study found that the average age difference people prefer (3.04 years) is very close to the actual average age difference in marriages (2.99 years). Women’s preferred marriage age (24.8 years) matches the age when they are most fertile, but this assumes people have children right after marriage. These patterns may be explained by evolutionary preferences, social influences, and differences in economic roles between genders.
The United Nations measures the average age at first marriage for men and women in different regions of the world. In some areas, the age gap between marriage partners is much larger, with men being significantly older than their wives or women being significantly younger than their husbands. One theory to explain this is the parasite-stress theory, which suggests that higher disease risk can influence human behavior. When disease is more common, people may be more likely to practice polygamy (marrying multiple partners).
Table 2 shows that 17 of the 20 countries with the largest age gaps between spouses practice polygyny (men marrying multiple women), and men in these countries are 6.1 to 9.2 years older than their partners. Most of these countries are in Africa. In regions like Sub-Saharan Africa, polygyny is common due to high numbers of men compared to women and the desire to pass on genetic diversity to children. When disease is widespread, having children with diverse genetic traits may help them survive better. Polygynous communities also have larger age gaps because competition for younger women increases, leading older men to marry younger women.
In Western countries like the United States and Europe, age gaps between spouses are smaller, with the smallest gaps in Southern Europe (3.3 years). These regions have less disease, so people face less pressure to reproduce for survival. Monogamy (marrying one person) is common in modern societies, and polygamy is illegal in most industrialized countries. In polygamous countries, the average age gap is 6.4 years, while in monogamous countries, it is 2.8 years.
As more people receive education, they tend to marry later. In Europe, the average age of marriage is above 25, and in Nordic countries, it is about 30. This may also be due to more people living together without marriage first. In some European countries, 20–30% of women aged 20–34 live in consensual unions (living together without marriage) instead of getting married. As the gender pay gap decreases, women work similar hours to men (about 40 hours per week in Europe and the U.S.) and may not prioritize men with financial resources as much.
In regions like the Caribbean and Latin America, the average age gap between spouses is smaller than expected. However, many people in these areas live in consensual unions instead of formal marriages. For example, 24% of people in Brazil, 20% in Nicaragua, and 18% in the Dominican Republic live in such unions.
A 2011 study found that larger age gaps in marriage are linked to shorter lifespans, especially for women. However, married people still tend to live longer than people who are not married.
Social perspectives
Social structural origin theory suggests that the main reason for differences in how men and women behave is because society often assigns them different roles. Some people believe that these roles become part of how individuals see themselves and their personalities. A study from Brown University found that the way a country's society is organized has the biggest effect on how much older one spouse is compared to the other, which challenges older ideas about why age differences happen. When choosing a partner, social structural theory says people try to get the most benefit from their relationship, even if society limits what they can offer based on traditional gender roles.
It is believed that a balance is found in relationships, where each partner contributes something valuable. For example, women may give up being younger and more physically attractive in exchange for financial stability from their male partner. This choice depends on the type of family or marriage system a society uses. In systems where men are expected to earn money and women are expected to manage the home, older men are often preferred because they may have more resources to share.
The rational choice model says people look for partners who can help them in life, such as someone who can earn money (the breadwinner model). Since men usually earn more as they get older, women may prefer older men. This trend is changing as more women work and the pay gap between men and women decreases.
Age-hypogamy describes a relationship where the woman is older than the man. However, the term "hypogamy" usually refers to marrying someone with less social status, education, or wealth. When partners are about the same age, it is called "age homogamy."
Older women dating younger men are studied more often now. Media sometimes uses the word "cougar" to describe this, showing a middle-aged, wealthy woman with a younger man in a casual relationship.
Age-hypogamous relationships were rare in the past, but data from the U.S. Census shows they increased from 6.4% in 2000 to 7.7% in 2012. Some reasons for this change may include changing social views about women's roles and aging. In many cultures, older women are sometimes seen as less attractive, which may have made these relationships less common.
Research shows that many factors influence whether women choose older men as partners. These include race, education, income, marital status, and how many sexual partners a woman has had. For example, in some African American communities, there are more women than men, which may lead to more age-hypogamous relationships. However, recent studies show that women from other racial backgrounds may also be more likely to have these relationships, and it is still unclear which groups are most affected.
Marital status also plays a role. Married women are less likely to date younger men than women who are not married. Some recent studies suggest that women who have been married before are more likely to have relationships with younger men than women who have never married or are currently married.
Even though some people think these relationships are short-lived, a study from 2008 found that women in age-hypogamous relationships are often more satisfied and committed than women in other types of relationships. A 2023 study also found that women with younger male partners tend to have higher levels of happiness and confidence. Some research suggests that men in these relationships may choose partners based on physical attractiveness rather than age. A study from 2001 found that men preferred women who looked more attractive, even if they were older.
The "half-your-age-plus-seven" rule says a person should not date someone younger than half their age plus seven years. For example, a 28-year-old person would date no one younger than 21 (half of 28 plus 7). A 50-year-old person would date no one younger than 32 (half of 50 plus 7).
The rule is often linked to France and has appeared in books, newspapers, and autobiographies. In the past, it was used to suggest the ideal age for a woman in a relationship. For example, one book said a wife should be half the age of her husband plus seven years. However, even when following this rule, some sources said a woman who was too young for her partner was still considered unsuitable.
A 2001 study found that the rule accurately described the minimum age a man would choose for a partner, but it did not apply to women choosing men or to the maximum age either sex would choose.
Slang terms (heterosexual)
In many developed countries, relationships where partners are very different in age are often viewed with disapproval. There are many disrespectful terms used to describe people in these relationships.
In English-speaking countries, relationships where one person is older and wealthier, and the other is younger, are sometimes called "sugar daddy" or "sugar mama" for the older person, and "sugar baby" for the younger person. If someone marries an older, wealthy person—especially if that person is not healthy—they may be called a "gold digger."
A younger, attractive woman who is pursued by an older, wealthy man who is seen as wanting her for her looks or to show off may be called a "trophy wife." The term "trophy husband" is less common but growing in use. It can describe a younger, attractive man who is married to someone famous, or a man married to a "trophy wife" because his wealth or status makes him her "trophy." In this case, the word "trophy" can refer to any major difference in power, such as appearance, money, or social standing. This label is often seen as treating the person as an object, even if they agree to it.
When the main reason for a relationship with a large age gap is sexual, many gender-specific terms are used. An older woman who dates younger men may be called a "cougar" or "puma." A younger man who dates an older woman may be called a "boytoy," "toyboy," "himo," "gigolo," or "cub." If the situation is reversed, an older man who dates a younger woman may be called a "rhino," "trout," or "manther." The younger woman in such a relationship may be called a "kitten" or "panther." If the woman is very young, the older man may be called a "cradle-snatcher" (UK) or "cradle robber" (US). In gay slang, the term "chickenhawk" may be used. If the younger person is not old enough to legally consent to the relationship, they may be called "jailbait," a warning to older people not to pursue them. An older term for a man who is immoral or lecherous is "lecher," and the shortened form "lech" is sometimes used to describe an older man who flirts with much younger women.
The phrase "May–December" describes a relationship where one person is much older than the other. It comes from the lyrics of the 1938 song "September Song," which includes the line, "It's a long, long time from May to December."